Friday, December 10th, 2004
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5:24 pm
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oh yeah forgot to write about sugarcult on wednesday night.
It was awesome. Absoloutely tiny venue holds about 200 if that it was amazing. The kinision supported them though and im not really the kinison' biggest fan lol. Also a local band supported which i thought was really nice. They are really good. Seen them a few times before. The bass player is amazingly hot .. i will try and find a picture to show you all.
The coolest thing was during the kinison i was stood at the back and then all of a sudden marko was stood next to me. I was all like OMG!! lol well not really. So we stood chatting to him for ages and he stole my hat. I could have cried coz my hair was so bad ... so he gave it back to me. He was so nice again and i asked him to try and convince Tim to play counting stars and he said he would try but tim would probably chicken out lol. But it was worth a shot (they didn't play it in the end) but marko was so lovely and pretty much nobody noticed he was stood there so we got him all to ourselves pretty much lol. ^_^ He said that playing the M.E.N was amazing but he prefered little venues ... said they felt more like home. AND they should be doing festivals next year which would be amazing if they did.
Airin was sat by the sound box the whole time but he was being awfully anit social with his hood up ignoring everyone though. i was too scared to go and talk to him lol. He looked like he would eat me or something lol. ^_^
So then they went on stage and pretty much played the same set as a blink on friday with a few extra songs. They were awesome and coming out with some amazingly funny comments which was great. With it being such a small venue the atmosphere was just electric. Im so glad that i went. Its been the one highlight of my week. Shame its being overshadowed by all the bad stuff thats going on at the minute. but i loved the whole experience regardless ^_^
current mood:  content
current music: 36 Crazy fists - Bloodwork
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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1:41 pm
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Well ive had a bad week but its getting better slowly but surely. Lost a few friends, got into a bit of debt (the ank say i owe them £128 but they can't seem to tell me why) broke my phone (cost me £100 to get it fixed) and my car (brakes are squeaking), but most of those are ok now.
However my dad wants me out of the house after christmas but im trying my hardest to work around him and see if i can persuade him to let me stay a bit longer. I hope so ... its just a matter of seeing how things go now :S hopefully they will be ok.
Tonight im going around my friends house to get pissed and put up the christmas decorations which should be a laugh. its something im looking forward too. So im feeling quite calm right now. I just hope its a good night.
current mood: calm
current music: Breaking Benjamin - So Cold
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(comment on this)
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Wednesday, July 28th, 2004
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1:12 pm - Peta 2
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Ok everybody listen up. (especially those of you worried about the world we live it)
I know alot of you who read this will already know about www.peta2.org and be a member of the street team but for those of you who are not then pay close attention.
Peta2 is a huge animal rights website that does alot for the prevention of animal cruelty througout the world. The animals in the world would have it alot harder if peta did not do the work that it does. so please if you care about the environment and and want to help peta to make a difference then please visit www.peta2.org and sign up to the street team.
Every little helps and every little bit could make a difference. For those of you already a member then keep up the good work.
im going to be quiet now :)
current mood:  awake
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(comment on this)
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Wednesday, May 5th, 2004
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6:56 pm
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Isn't it crazy how life spins around like this. a mere few hours ago i was over the moon, couldn't be happier and now i feel so low i feel like im drowning in my own self pity. and its not really a big deal. I was meant to be meeting chris at 6:30 he texted me at 6:45 to tell me that he couldn't meet me, no explination no nothing and thats it ... so now i am majorly pissed off. Now im taking it out on everyone. It sucks it really does. Hes an arsehole. All men should die
current mood:  Angry
current music: Staind - Yesterday
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(6 comments | comment on this)
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4:32 pm - kimi again ^_^
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4:30 pm - Stolen from kimi again lol
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4:28 pm - Stolen from kimi
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4:04 pm
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ok screw the last post cause its a long story and its all sorted now, we got back together and then we finished again yeah yeah ... now were great friends and we really do make better friends than boyfriend and girlfriend.
Im going to see chris again tonight. i went to see him last night. Hes so nice. awww im so happy yeye! i bough myself lots of clothes and stuff today, me and matt went shopping its awesome ^_^
Things are going good right now ^_^
current mood:  Chirpy
current music: Inme - Faster the Chase
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(comment on this)
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Tuesday, April 27th, 2004
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6:37 pm
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matt guilt tripped me into going back out with him but i guess i better start from the beginning.
Friday - I went to the pics with Lucy, Twirl and Chris we went to see 50 first dates and i had such a good time it was unbelieveable. ^_^ We went to the party when we got back and matt was sat in the corner being all moody and giving me evils and stuff. It was a bit awkward but chris was amazingly cool about it. Then i took chris home and he kept telling me what a cool time he had had and stuff. It was an absoloutely amazing night. That was until i got back home.
When i got home matt kept calling me and when he eventually spoke to me he told me that he wasn't happy and he couldn't get over me and that h wanted a second chance just to make sure that it wasn't gonna work out and all this and he made me feel bad.
I'll finish later i gotta go out and fetch my brother
current mood:  Cafluffled
current music: My sisters stupid Now 57 Cd grr grr grr
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(8 comments | comment on this)
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Wednesday, April 21st, 2004
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5:33 pm - Stole this from kimi - Cheers kimi :)
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1) Using band/artist names, spell out your name:
Ema:-
Evanescence
Murderdolls
AFI
2) Have you ever had a song written about you?: Yeah (it was a bad one though)
3) What song makes you cry? "Counting stars" - sugarcult, Greenday - Godd riddance, The Ataris - In this diary, Blink 182 - Stolkholm Syndrome ... Loads others depending on the situatuion
4) What song makes you happy? Fall out boy - Chicago is so two years ago, NoFx - Franco unamerican, god there are quite a few, Mest - Cadillac, Mest - Whats the dillio, System of a down - any song by them, Coheed and Cambria - A Favour House Atlantic and loads others
5) What do you like to listen to before bed? Nothing usually the silence of my room.
6) what do you like to listen to while having sex? It used to be Metallica.
7) Who was/were your idol(s) when you were younger? Didn't have any well that i cn remember
8) First album you ever bought? Now 35 or Michael Jackson - Thriller
9) Name a song that reminds you of someone and why:
Suagrcult - Over *Andy because its just like our relationship
Linkin Park - Numb *Matt because it does
Sugarcult - Bouncing off the walls * KT cause shes always singing it
N*E*R*D - Jump *Kez (bmmb) cause it just does
Kittie - What i always wanted *Kimi just makes me think of you
Fall out boy - Grand theft autumn *Kirsty because of her signature
Brand New - Sic transit gloria * my ex boyfriend becuase he took advantage and thats what the song is about
a p p e a r a n c e
HEIGHT: 5'6" or 5ft 8" with my new rocks maybe taller lol
HAIRCOLOR: Brown with bits of blonde, blue, purple and redwith fading pink streaks
SKIN COLOR: Ghostly? (dunno thats just what people always tell me)
EYE COLOR: Green with bits of blue OR brown depending on my mood
PIERCINGS: Flesh tunnels, Tragus, Top of Ear, Belly button.
TATTOOS:None for another 5 months then lots hee hee
r i g h t n o w
WHAT COLOR PANTS ARE YOU WEARING?: Black
WHAT SONG ARE YOU LISTENING TO?: Static x - Cold
WHAT TASTE IS IN YOUR MOUTH?: Cigarettes
WHAT'S THE WEATHER LIKE?: miserable and rainy
HOW ARE YOU? achy, fed up, confused.
d o y o u
GET MOTION SICKNESS?: no
HAVE A BAD HABIT?: smoking, drinking, biting my nails, being lazy etc...
GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS?: Sometimes
LIKE TO DRIVE?: I luff to drive very much
f a v o r i t e s
TV SHOW: ummm dunno ... all grown up i guees (im sad i know)
CONDITIONER: Herbal essence
BOOK: Any harry potter or any of the dark matters trilogy by phillip pullman
MAGAZINE:None
NON-ALCOHOLIC DRINK: Diet coke or water
ALCOHOLIC DRINK: Vodka or archers and lemondade, If it had to be larger it would be stella ^_^
BAND OR GROUP: Can't choose ... I could list ^_^ but we would be here forever ^_^
l o v e
BOYFRIEND: none now
GIRLFRIEND: Lucy or Kt
SEXUALITY: Straight but i have tried
CHILDREN: No and hopefully never to happen either
CURRENT CRUSH: Chris from work - who might turn out to be an absoloute jerk... but i will see
BEEN IN LOVE?: i thought so but im not so sure now
HAD A HARD TIME GETTING OVER SOMEONE: Yes
BEEN HURT?: In love? yep
GONE OUT WITH A SOMEONE YOU ONLY KNEW FOR THREE DAYS: less than 3 days lol
r a n d o m
DO YOU HAVE A JOB: waitress
YOUR CD PLAYER HAS IN IT RIGHT NOW: Compilation
WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY?: Everything being simple
WHO MAKES YOU THE HAPPIEST? Depends on why im sad
WHAT'S THE NEXT CD YOU'RE GONNA GET?: New Fear Factory album
WHO DO YOU CONSIDER GOOD FRIENDS?: Lucy, Kt, Matt, Oke, Tom, Wattsy and a few people from bmmb ^_^ *you know who you are*
WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO? Music, writing, singing, being with my friends, Going out to the pub etc... (all things that are bad for you or i am bad at)
w h e n / w h a t w a s t h e l a s t
TIME YOU CRIED AND WHY?: About 1hour 30mins ago because of chris
YOU GOT A REAL LETTER?: Today from the DSA
YOU GOT AN EMAIL: Today from wattsy asking for some cd's that he should buy
THING YOU PURCHASED: New rock boots
MOVIE YOU SAW AT THE THEATER: Gothika
current mood: Amused
current music: NoFx - Franco Unamerican
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(8 comments | comment on this)
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4:57 pm
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Just been talkting to one of my mates from work and apparently Chris hasn't broke up with his girlfriend at all but hes been lying grrr grrr. But i don't know if its true or not. Thing is we arranged to go to the cinema on friday together aswell. BUT then my mate decides that he is going to have his birthday do on friday and tells me today... soo do i break plans with chris or not go to the party... im trying to think of a way i can do both! oh my god im damn confused. And i don't really like this song it just came on. Wat can i do?
Tay tought me something new lookies ---> ^_^
yey i like that i think they are sooo cute ^_^
current mood: Annoyed
current music: N*E*R*D ft Benji and Joel Madden - Jump
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(6 comments | comment on this)
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Monday, April 19th, 2004
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6:18 pm
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I PASSED MY DRIVING TEST TODAY!!!
me and matt have decided that we are really better as friends and i passed my driving test. Ive just gotta sort out chris now and everything will be good :)
current mood:  Exstatic
current music: Fall Out Boy - Grand Theft Autumn
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(7 comments | comment on this)
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Friday, April 16th, 2004
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5:31 pm
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wow this song is amazing ... i mean i knew that before but with all thats been happeneing with matt and chris it relates to me so much. But i can't stop crying. i saw a shooting star last night. I couldn't sleep so i was looking out of the window and it was just there. Went out for a fag at about 4:00am.
Doctors trying to put me on happy pills again can't take this shit anymore. i not depressed i just need some time to figure it all out in my head. Cut again last night though :( i wouldn't do it if i could sleep. The blood comforts me when i feel alone and lost. It lets me know im still alive and im not just suffering in some kind of eternal hell that i can't escape from. I know that if things do get worse than they are i have a way to escape. Even though every other time ive tried ive failed. i will get it right one time soon. Sorry bout that it just gets me so worked up that i can't even manage to kill myself properly.
Almost bought another lizard today. it was beautiful. A blue plated lizard it was so scared and then it kept trying to climb up the glass and get out to me. it was pretty. £45 it was but thats just for the lizard thats without the tank and stuff. Plus i gotta save for my bearded dragons.
Sorry that was messed up. Just how im feeling ... messed up :(
current mood: Crappy
current music: Sugarcult - Counting Stars
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(9 comments | comment on this)
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Thursday, April 15th, 2004
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11:18 pm
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well my heads even more messed up now.
Was at work tonight with chris and all night he just kept hugging me and kissing me on the cheek and licking me and we wer having such a good time. We kissed a few times but they were only little pecks and stuff. i felt so safe though when he was hugging me cause hes alot taller than me and i could just lean on his shoulder and he was so warm and stuff. He even admits hes sending out mixed signals. He kinda hinted that he might like me a few times. Like we were talking about what type of girl he likes and he said "i lie brunettes better than blondes, especially those that wear dark clothes. I think that sort of thing makes a girl really sexy" and then he smiled at me in a hinting sort of way ... or maybe that was me imagining it. Then he told me that his ex thought he should get with me cause apparently from what hes told her about me me and him would make a really cute, possibly perfect couple. Apparently i sound like a really nice girl ... so hes been talking about me out of work to his ex and she thinks we would make a good couple ... maybe again it is just me imagining things though. Before i left we stood outside having a fag and he kept hugging ema nd kissing me, again just little cute pecks on the lips and stuff. but hes sending out mixed signals which is just messing with my head!
Then we get back to matt. He made me have my first panic attack last night, i was so scared. he kept crying and telling me that he loved me and missed me and stuff and then he freaked out and started screaming that i couldn't understand how hard it was for him and how i had ruined this part of his life and how it had been the worst few days of his life. He pretty much called me an insensitive bitch. He was screaming "doesn't a year and 3 months mean anything to you at all! how can you just stop loving me don't i mean anything to you" and no matter how hard i tried he just wouldn't believe me when i told him i still loved him and it was really hard for me too but i just didn't want to be with him. He made me feel like the biggest shit in the world. i was dry heaving and stuff and i fainted and couldn't breath. ive never been so scared in my life. i didn't know who i was or where i was. Ive never been like that. Hes just messing with my head trying to guilt trip me! i struggle to remember exactly what he said but it wasn't very nice. I just don't know what to do. So many conflicting thoughts and feelings running through my head. I almost took him back just to take away the pain he is feeling. I hate being the cause of all the pain i can see in his eyes. But theres nothing i can do to take it away apart from take him back. It seems that no matter what i do im gonna hurt someone and make someone unhappy. ve just got to decide who that soemone will be. But all the time im getting closer and closer to the decision that that someone has to be me :(
On a happier note i finally got my new rocks today :) They are the sexiest sexiest thing in the world. maybe i should ditch all ym friends and live with my new rocks lol they are all i need. It might have taken me almost three years to eventually save up and get them and stuff cause i kept spending my money on other thing (concert tickets, phones etc.. lol)
so yeah enough from me. i'l sort it im sure. i just need some time to talk to chris.
current mood: Yet Confused
current music: The God Awfuls - Orion
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(14 comments | comment on this)
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Wednesday, April 14th, 2004
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6:27 pm
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well i finally broke up with my boyfriend the other night. Its so stupid but i coulldn't stay in the relationship anymore. its one of the hardest things ive ever had to do ... ever!
theres this other guy (chris) i like but for two reasons i don't wanna get with him.
1) hes sending out mixed signals and one second hes all over me then the next hes not.
2) i don't wanna go jump into with someone else just yet i just wanna enjoy being single for a while.
One of my mates (well not anymore he thinks i hate him even though i don't) twisted some stuff i said to make me sound like a right whore. I told him i liked chris and that i wasn't sure about matt. so my mate went and told matt that Chris was finishing with his girlfriend and i was gonna finish with matt so we could jump into bed together. It made me sound liek such a whore. But i guess it is weird that chris did finish with his girlfriend a few days later. well they came to mutual decision liek me and matt did.
Matt is making me feel so guilty though cause he keeps calling and texting me and telling me how much he loves me and misses me and everything like this and i get upset because he is. i just break down cause the last thing i ever wanted in life is to hurt him. but i guess some things cannot be avoided. Im just really into this chris guy and with all the stuff thats happened lately with matt my feelings for him just weren't the same anymore. i love him to pieces but i just couldn't be around him anymore.
Went swimming with them all today and if looks could kill i would be dead i tell you. matt kept giving me right evil looks everytime i went anywhere near chris or chris touched me etc... chris kept picking me up and throwing me and generally having a laugh and stuff. There was so many times i just wanted to kiss him but i couldn't do it cause matt was watching and i just didn't think it was fair. It was so romantic though cause we were standing there dripping wet, holding hands, just staring at each other ... it was so much like a movie it was cheesy.
But i don't know what to do cause i don't wanna hurt matt, or get into another serious relationship but i really like this chris guy. Sorry if none of this made sense i just kinda had to get it out.
current mood:  Drained
current music: Marilyn Manson - The Nobodies
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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Tuesday, April 6th, 2004
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11:19 am
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Meh what to say all in all a random night ...
Went to my mates house last night and i thought it was gonna be terrible but it was actually loads of fun cause my boyfriend didn't stay. I made friends with some new guys and one of them was hot lol :) they had weed and fags which made me happy cause i was all out of both. They were really nice to talk to and i started getting friendly with the hot guy but then he went to bed. He said he'd offer to let me come with him but i have a boyfriend so he couldn't do that. meh that sucked... anyways we watched haggard and some other random films then about 3:40 me and my ex and another one of my guy mates went to bed and the only bed left was the double bed and so we all piled in lol. It was so funny cause we stayed awake for ages just having a laugh and messing about with me inbetween them and i felt safe for once you know? usually when im in bed with a guy i feel scared that somethings gonna happen and im gonna get forced into something.... but with them i felt great i had such a good time. Well we eventually went to sleep all cuddled up together all three of us after many random tickling matches and stuff lol. it was funny :) but i had the first real laugh ive had in such a long time. i was just leaning on one of my mates shoulders with his arm round me and my ex had his arm round me and i was curled into him. We must have looked so cute together but it didn't mean anything cause were just friends :) i would never think of going with either of them. i love them too much.
Tonights gonna be different though cause hes staying too tonight ... and i dunno ... i know how its gonna end up. but im trapped im too scared to get out. But im not gonna let it get me down im just gonna smoke and get stoned. and take phet and drink etc... im just gonna get so high i don't care if he takes advantage ... well until tomorrow morning anyways ... meh!
current mood: Happy
current music: Frankenstein Drag Queens From Planet 13 - Murder Pie
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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Saturday, April 3rd, 2004
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6:17 pm
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My ex (who was at the party) sent me this today ... don't quite know what to say to it...
"hey ema i guess u can pretty much tell the jist of this email from that txt but i mean it - u were really gud 2 me and i treated u like a shit by tryin 2 come on 2 u and everything so im really sorry. i guess i realised last nite how much i take all my m8s 4 granted. especially u. uve always bin there 4 me 2 talk 2 about shit - but uve got all that pain inside u and i dont giv u a chance 2 let it all out - i just get pissd n start tryin it on with u. so i guess the main jist of this email is to say sorry and thank you. i really dont know how u put up with me sometimes but thank you 4 doing it all the same :) if ever EVER u need 2 get everything off ur chest then just dodgy me and i will fone u or email me and i will b there 4 u. u prob dont want 2 do that at the moment but keep it in mind. i'll c u soon"
so there it is .... just made my head feel like goo ...
current mood:  confused
current music: Coheed and Cambria - A Favour House Atlantic
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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Friday, April 2nd, 2004
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2:17 pm
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Party wasn't too bad i guess, it could have been worse. Ended up just looking after people and killing my lungs more than anything else. M ex was pissed and kept trying to cdome onto but i was freaking out cause i was scared he was gonna hurt himself or choke on his own sick or something. i thought he had died at one second. but he kept hugging me and trying to put his hands down my trousers and kissing me and stuff but there wasn't alot i could do apart from push him away gently. Then he kept apologising for being a dick and then doing it again. I really can't win im giving up en for life :(
My boyfriend forced me into sex last night again :( well not really forced but he started taking my clothes off and i told him i just wasn't in the mood but he carried on and i kept teliing him no but he just wouldn't stop. Its scary how he gets :(
Im so tired though now cause i just lay there and cried all night whilst he slept there with his back to me. I just don't see why we can't just cuddle. Other couples do it. With him its always about sex and if i don't give it then he takes it anyway. :( I feel like im gonna break down. All my body feels so worn down :(
current mood: Very Depressed
current music: Story of the Year - And The Hero Will Drown
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(7 comments | comment on this)
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Thursday, April 1st, 2004
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5:22 pm
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Going to a party tonight so hopefully everything will be good. I just hope no fights break out or anything ... that always seems to happen but we'll see how things go. I just need to get really pissed so im excited about that not the actual party. Its gona be so cold there but oh well ... Hopefully i will post and let you all know how it went tomorrow :)
current mood: Excited
current music: Brand New - Sic Transit Gloria ... Glory Fades
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(8 comments | comment on this)
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Wednesday, March 31st, 2004
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4:06 pm - help!
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oh god i don't know what to do. My boyfriend decided to drop the bombshell today that he thinks hes got testicular cancer. Hes at the hospital now having another scan. I feel hurt cause he hasn't told me :( he's been going to the hospital for ages but not telling me. He found the lump before he started going out with me (1 year 3 months) but he lied to me and told me the doctors had said it was nothing to worry about. I fele hurt and betrayed right now :( i thought he would trust me enough to tell me :(
current mood: Confused!
current music: Whatever appears on Kerrang ...
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(7 comments | comment on this)
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